Sleeping or not

I’ve struggled with sleep for a while, even before Alex’s cancer diagnosis. It started during the pandemic and worsened with stress from my parents’ health issues and my mom’s passing. In 2021, I began taking anxiety medication, which helps me manage stress and overthinking. Though I still think a lot, I can now shift my focus away from stressors.

Six weeks ago, I started hormone replacement therapy and noticed an improvement in my stress response and sleep within the first week. However, as Alex’s diagnosis approached, my stress levels spiked again, and my sleep suffered. Since the diagnosis, I’ve been in a constant state of high alert.

I usually read before bed. Before the lumps were discovered, I read fiction. Now, it’s mostly about cancer treatments and resources. My sister gave me books on alternative cancer treatments, but they made me angry with their unscientific claims - full of fallacies, untruths, and lacking in compassion and common sense.  It doesn't help that the authors come across as know it all, show offs.  Alex is focused on proven treatments for his cancer subtype, so my reading now is about managing and preventing side effects.

When I do fall asleep, my dreams wake me with a new stressful problem to sort out.  Then spending minutes? hours? thinking about.  I am sure it will calm down as I know more, as we get used to our new normal.