Kat's been thinking

We've learned Alex is at stage 2A Unfavorable.  Not the worst news.  Stage 2A Unfavorable: 3+ locations - in his case most of his neck, surrounding his chest cavity, and centrally located near his lungs/heart.  The PET imaging was startling.  Everything in his neck light up and so much of his chest.  We know the images will get duller and are focusing on that. Unfavorable - lower cure rate, higher likelihood of a recurrence, more aggressive chemo and overall treatment wise. Work stresses haven't helped my mental health. Additionally, there's a lot happening a work: deliverables as well as mid year performance reviews.  I always find those tiring.  We're not perfect people and the focus on where I need to do better can be tiring.  I also use the time with my team to interview them on where I fall short as a manager, what I can do to improve the team dynamic, and uncover what they need from me.   From a reflective perspective, this was poo...

 So much can happen in just a couple hours.   It feels as if everyone got back from the holidays and jumped back into work.  It's a relief to see things starting. We have his first chemo session, the day after the port is placed.  That feels a bit scary.  We've heard that ABVD can be a bit uncomfortable going in.  For his first chemo session the area and incision won't have time to have healed -- that's small potatoes. He has five at home prescriptions to offset side effects: 1 antiviral 1 steriod 2 anti-nausea/vomiting (one has the added bonus of treating anxiety 1 numbing cream for his port site And we have a list to get through to make sure the house is ready, he's done all the necessary tests, blood draws, and more. I feel both relief that things are finally moving and a heart squeeze at the thought of his actually going through this.

I’ve struggled with sleep for a while, even before Alex’s cancer diagnosis. It started during the pandemic and worsened with stress from my parents’ health issues and my mom’s passing. In 2021, I began taking anxiety medication, which helps me manage stress and overthinking. Though I still think a lot, I can now shift my focus away from stressors. Six weeks ago, I started hormone replacement therapy and noticed an improvement in my stress response and sleep within the first week. However, as Alex’s diagnosis approached, my stress levels spiked again, and my sleep suffered. Since the diagnosis, I’ve been in a constant state of high alert. I usually read before bed. Before the lumps were discovered, I read fiction. Now, it’s mostly about cancer treatments and resources. My sister gave me books on alternative cancer treatments, but they made me angry with their unscientific claims - full of fallacies, untruths, and lacking in compassion and common sense.  It doesn't help that the auth...

As with most things, I've been able to calm my anxiety as a learn more about it.  I've spent hours studying the disease, how it spreads, and treatment methods.   This week, I'm shifting my study periods to focus almost exclusively on side effects.  What's normal vs concerning?  What requires a phone call to the doctor vs ER?  and what can we do to offset, minimize the effects?  Sean's taken ownership of Alex's laundry is starting to get ahead of it by pre-washing items we'll be using day 1. 

Alex has told everyone about his cancer - Nodular Sclerosis Hodgkin's Lymphoma (NSHL).   He wrote it to not forget an important phrase, to be able to get through it tear free.  I've started a Caringbridge page, Alex's whoopin' cancer's a**  to update our family and friends, but primarily so Alex can focus on himself.  The first three updates are informational, almost clinical, little to no emotion.  A sort of medical task list - lists I am good at lists, I can do. Everything he has to get done before chemo starts. I want him to be able to look back and remember what we're doing and why.  I like the privacy, we're able to force logins - control who has access.  I don't like the only way to ask for help it to create a gofundme page.  Mark and I can make this work, Dropbox provides amazing insurance, we have savings for this.  It will it be hard financially, but I'll sell stock or pull from savings or something to make sure anything he need...